I wanted a duty

This memory comes from a June visit for Sthapana Diwas, when I was around thirteen or fourteen. As 15 June approached, everyone seemed to have a duty. Some people looked after shoes, some helped with the malpua, and others carried out the many tasks needed before the bhandara.

Ma had never given me a duty. I had always been a naughty child, and she continued to treat me like a baby. During darshan, I told her that I also wanted to help. I suggested that I could wipe and clean the temple stairs.

Choti Ma started laughing. Ma said, ‘Tu bas baith aur logon ko dekh.’ You just sit and watch people.

I left the darshan room disappointed. Everyone else was doing something useful, while Ma had told me to sit and watch.

The next day

The following day, I went to the Shivji temple and prayed. When I got up to leave, I twisted my ankle. I returned to our room limping, and the swelling grew until it looked almost the size of a tennis ball.

Later, Mom went for Ma’s darshan. Ma asked about me and immediately called me. ‘Doctor kya theek karega isko?’ What will the doctor do for this?

Ma said it would be all right and told us to ask Dinesh Tauji from Mathura to apply a mixture of haldi, shahad and choona. A cloth was tied around my ankle, and I had to keep it that way for three days. The pain went away immediately.

Exactly what Ma had said

I could no longer run around looking for a duty. All I could do was sit and watch people.

I spent most of my time sitting on the single step outside Dadaji’s room, watching people come and go in the ashram. I would walk to the temple for Prarthana and then sit on the steps to attend it.

At thirteen or fourteen, I wanted to prove that I could help. Instead, I had to sit still and notice the people and the preparations, exactly as Ma had told me to.

For years, the funny part of this memory was that I asked for a duty and ended up unable to walk properly. Now I also remember that Ma allowed me to remain the child she believed me to be. I wanted something to do. She gave me time to watch.