Before I could find the words
I could never speak much in front of Ma. It was not because I had nothing to say. Usually, I had so much inside me that the words simply disappeared.
Ma was calm and mostly silent, but her silence never felt distant. I believed she knew everything already. Whatever I wanted to ask, I asked in my mind.
When Kainchi was quieter, Ma sometimes walked around the ashram. If I saw her near our room, I ran towards her and bowed at her feet. Sometimes only our family was called into the darshan room. When Ma called me individually, it was usually to give me something to eat, and it was never just one thing.
Tu padha kar
One memory from Class 10 still makes my mother smile. I was not studying, and Mom was extremely worried about me. At the time, Ma was staying at the Rishikesh ashram, so we went for darshan. Mom told her plainly that I did not study.
Ma looked at me and smiled. I bowed at her feet, and she tapped me gently on the head. ‘Padhti kyu nahi hai? Tu padha kar.’ Why don’t you study? You should study.
That was all she said. There was no long lecture and no anger. Yet something changed. From the very next day, I began studying.
Mom called it a miracle. To us, it truly felt like one. I still cannot explain what changed inside me. I only know that I listened.
Being understood
When I think about Ma now, I remember being understood without having to speak. A look, a smile, food placed in my hands and a tap on my head could be enough.
I may have lost my voice in front of Ma, but I never felt unheard.